Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Day of Emotional Expression

That's what it was for me today.
Ended the night with crying to my mom expressing why I want to be on the show, and why I am mostly focusing on the positive outcome of the casting calls/video.
But the discussion also made us (us being my mom and I) look at the negative outcome. Though I wish I could stay on cloud nine and not have to look at the negative outcome, it is there and I do need to realize it. And I do. Though it hasnt happened yet, it still helps bring me back to reality.
I said a statment that I'd like to put here. I think it is a good representation of my mindset no matter the outcome:
"I could always try out next season. And I will if I am still at this weight or in the weight range they are looking for. But that's the point. I dont want to be at that anymore when they cast again."
The statement goes on a bit more, but the most important part is the last sentence. "I dont want to be at this weight anymore when they cast for season 14." Now mind you, if they are casting for 14 in September I'll be there lol.. but I highly doubt that will happen!!! Im thinking either December or March. Either one, I REALLY do not want to be at 255 or anywhere near that in those time frames.
So this discussion, though tearful, has brought me back down to reality and made it even more of a push to do this. I know I've said it in previous posts, but now it's sinking in more.
No matter the outcome of the casting call or video or interviews, I will do this. If I get picked to be on the show HALLELUJAH!!!! If I dont, then I will pick myself up (after a day or two or sulking,lol) and start this journey on my own. Actually, I wont be on my own. I have a set of new friends going through this process with me. I hope that we can support each other and do this journey together via the tweeter or fbook or whatever.

This is yet another bonus of this process. Another self realization. I struggle with motivation on my own and have even said that I cant (I know bob and jillian hate that word) do this on my own, that I need that extra boost. Well now I realize that I may need to depend on myself. I need to do this for myself first. I AM worth it. I CAN do it.

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