Excuses, Excuses, Excuses

My life has been FULL of them! Even now. It's disappointing. Although I guess a positive is that I recognize that. lol.

I caught myself waiting until the last minute to finish my final paper for a class. I am wiping off sweat right now I was getting nervous it would not be done in time. Now, logical thinking would state it is because I waited until the night it's due to sit down and write it is the reason why I am sweating. However, my excuse driven mind is saying: it's because the school server was running slow and having technical difficulties. I wasnt able to get to the proper portions to get the information I needed.

Yeah.. I know. Thats pathetic. Truthfully I recognize that I procrastinated, and the end result is not my best. Which then leads my mind down another path. Im a slight perfectionist. So the fact that my FINAL paper is not the best I could have written is riding my mind. But, it is too late now. Learn from my mistake and move on. This next class I know unless I want to create an ulcer and wet another sweat rag, I am not going to wait until the night of or even the day of. Phew.

As I sit here, first desiring to write today's post about my miseries of the final paper procrastination and list the reasons why it was crap and turned in last minute... I realize that this is not the first time I have made excuses why i have not done my best.

I mean. Just take one look at me and you know I have not done my best. I have been making excuses and placing blame on other people/things for 23 years...

This is one reason why I need the Biggest Loser. The butt kicking I would get on the show would jump start my healthy living and (because of my perfectionism) be able to do my best for my own health.

I have been blamed for many things, and hate that feeling. why do I place the blame on others? I try to live by the "Golden Rule" ... yet I am doing this. NO LONGER.

I am OWNING myself. My actions are mine, not someone elses.

So I ask myself and the other readers of this blog: What excuses are you making?



Note: Another plus of going through the BL process.... Ownership of self.

(sorry this post is a bit all over the place, I'm beat but want to get this all down before I forget it.)

We Are the Champions My friends...

Great song...

Anywhoo...

First... The new Extra Apple Pie gum.. YUMMY!!!! Takes exactly like an apple pie. So good! My fav used to be the strawberry shortcake... but this one tops it... so now my new fav is the apple pie!
Im a bit timid at trying the mint ice cream one... not sure how dairy will taste gum version..lol.. but one day I will try it. Have to finish off the two packs I already have.

I must note on the way one feels when they have been doing some sort of activity/exercising... I LOVE it when I can feel certain muscles or see certain muscles that werent visible before! I love my arm muscles and calve muscles. Unfortunately my calves have a bit much fat on them right now, and I need to work out the muscles more to get the "definition" I like... but my arms... they are starting to define a bit...and my shoulders.. lol.. goodness... I can only imagine how it would be if I got on the Biggest Loser... oh boy!!!

Two more weekends until my casting call...

Still no call from my video... its only been a couple days since it was delivered to the office, so Im not bummed yet seeing as how a ton of people send it in and I think theres only 2 people in the office watching the videos... so I got a couple weeks to wait.

Did not get the weed whacker out today.. it was too hot. Instead I watched Gnomeo and Juliet with my mom. Good stuff!! I love seeing the similarities between it and other love stories (Grease and Moulin Rouge). I think its so weird catching myself critiquing/analyzing movies too.

K... off to lahlah land...hopefully.

I like the smell of sweat (sorry for the TMI)

Eww I know!!! Sorry for the TMI!!

But I do. I like the smell of my sweat. The sweat that comes from moving... exercising! I always feel so accomplished when my tank is soaked and i can smell my deodorant working overtime. lol. Then that smell that your clothes have when they are soaked from sweat... adds to the accomplishment feeling. lol.

So yes.... I used to HATE sweating. Honestly I still do, but in the situation of normal day. Sweating just driving to the store and having the t-shirt be moist/wet from sweating. Or from any activity (other then exercise). To me, it's still hard to get over the embarrassment feeling from that.

But the sweat that happens from exercise is awesome. lol.

Someday soon, hopefully, I can get that smell of accomplishment on the Ranch. If not on the Ranch, then at my gym. Every time the excuse of "i dont like to sweat" pops in my head, I am going to remember the accomplishment feeling. And pray that that will push me forward.

Yoga today was good! I beat my scores from yesterday, and even did some advanced ones. Now mind you I was not able to do them as flexible as they did, but center of balance was good. Still have A LOT of work to do on my balance. But Im working on it. Then of course I need to work on my core as well. Slowly but surely i WILL be able to look like a yoga person.

i wish they had Tae-Bo for the Wii too!! that would be sweet!!!

Anywhoo. Off to get some sleep. Need to get a head start on the prayers for everyone tomorrow for the casting calls going on! Cant wait to hear the stories and see the pics!!!

Green Thumb

So in no way do I actually think I have a green thumb. I do good with taking care of plants but then something happens... i dont know. lol..

But I have been doing yard work on my parents front yard, and I am actually enjoying it. I always avoided it because I did not want to look stupid in front of my neighbors. But now I just dont care. The yard needs it, we dont have monies to pay for a gardner, so Im the next best thing. lol. Thats why my parents had me right, free child labor. HAHA....

Anywhoo.. so yeah.. Im trying to figure out how to make our front lawn look better. Even am going to try my hand at a chain saw!!! woohooo... lol.. Well that is if my parents let me. My mom already said she would prefer me not to because there are bees in the bushes I want to trim. She would rather someone else get stung them me. Which sounds really sad, but since Im allergic, it makes sense. Im just hoping she can get someone soon cuz those things are crazy! To me, the bushes are like the eyebrows of the lawn. They are that bad. We have like an old guys hay wire hair unibrow thing going on.. lol.

Then theres the back yard. We actually kinda kept up with it when my dog was here. But since he passed there's been nothing going on back there. So now its a huge tinder box. Lots of dry weeds. So this weekend I am hoping that it gets cool enough to where I can try my hand at the weed whacker. So should be fun. Then I get to rake it all and put in trash can. Only trash is on Mondays, and its already full from what Ive done so far on the front lawn. So looks like hopefully Sunday is cool. So Monday after trash pick up I can put it right in. Eh.. we shall see. I just have to be careful w/snakes and such... gotta dig my jeans and closed toe shoes out.

Sorry for all the pointless nonsense. It's just weird going from not liking/doing any yard work to actually enjoying it and wanting to do it. I am taking charge more. Im sick of waiting and hearing excuses from my mom so Im going to do it.

Then I did a full yoga routine from the Wii fit. Fun stuff. Wasnt as on cue as I was last time I did it, but I did it. I always try to beat my previous scores on the Wii Fit. lol.. I even did soooo bad on the downward facing dog pose. It didnt even score me. Even though my hands were on the board the whole time the way my weight was distributed made it think I quit halfway through. When I didnt! I just kept hearing "you are putting too much weight on your feet" so I kept adjusting. And when I had what felt like most my weight on my hands is when it said i quit. I just cant see the tv to find my center of balance mark in that pose, so I guess i just have to keep winging it until I get it. I dunno. Then eventually when I get the yoga master rank on all poses Im going to move onto the advanced poses. Looks like fun stuff... lol.. Trying to get my mom to do some of the poses. They are simple enough and low impact that she should be able to do it. We shall see.

In regards to the Biggest Loser, I really thought that I would be a nervous wreck after knowing my audition tape was delivered. But Im not. Im actually feeling more and more confident with myself. Now that's not to say that I dont have a few instances where the thought of not being on show peeps its ugly head at me, but I just dont dwell on it or let it get me down. If anything, it has made me want to do more movement. (ie: wii fit or yardwork or something). So another bonus of this process. Still praying that it's in my cards to be on the show because of how much it would benefit my life, but at the same time praying for understanding and peace if it isnt in the cards for me.

Looking forward to hearing about everyone's experiences at the casting calls this weekend!!! Fun Stuff!!!


--------------------(LATER)-------------------------

Just finished watching the LAST Harry Potter movie...

I was ill prepared!! Instead, my sleeve is wet and my fingers are annoyed. (Fingers annoyed because when I get anxious/nervous I push my nails into the "pads" of my fingers, or push the skin down around the nail or something with my nails...lol) Good stuff. Hard to believe that a series that started when I was in junior high is now complete. Sigh. Honestly, it was one of those movies that I did not really wish to see but my best friend made me see it. We then made it a tradition to see each one together. Only that changed when our lives changed. So the last few ones I have been on my own watching them. And every movie never let me down. I remember crying like a baby in the first installment of deathly hallows when Doby died!! And now the last installment had me going every which way. lol. All that to say... Harry Potter is a good series. Now I guess I need to actually read the books.
Yes Yes I know some of you are yelling at me... but I just never was able to read them. The size of them always looked daunting! So I cheated and just watched the movies. Yes, I know. Ive heard it a million times, the books are better. But I just never took the time to read them. So, now I have to. I have the time, why not. lol..

Pulling the Weeds

That's right. I am pulling weeds, both literally and figuratively.

After reading a former contestant,Jessica Delf's blog (GREAT stuff!!!!) I started paying closer attention. Now this is stuff that I have been working on through therapy (among other things), but I am amazed at how many things can have a root cause of something that you dont even think of or think would even effect you. This is part of the reason why I chose the psychology field for my career. But off the point. lol..

Today I waited until it was cool enough outside to pull literal weeds from my front yard. It was after a pile was starting to be created that it clicked. A metaphor popped in my head. The weeds are the reasons why I have gained weight. In order to get rid of weeds, one has to pull the root out. Same as with problems/triggers/etc. One needs to get to the root cause of it in order to work and fix it.

That is what I have been working on these past months that has gotten me to the point of Ready to do this journey of the Biggest Loser/healthy living. I have been "weeding out" the problems and getting to the root cause of them. Puns intended.

So at the start or just when you are ready. We must find those triggers or weeds and get to the root. Sure we may be able to work our butts off and get the weight off, but without working on the mental side, we could easily fall back into the situation we were at in the first place.

I am always one that advocates counseling. I believe everyone needs one. Not saying need to go every week to one, but every once in a while. I am glad that I skipped out on the March BL auditions to work on my mind first. Now I am ready to absorb this experience and fully enjoy it. Now I can continue this journey, no matter the outcome of the video or casting call, and have the right mind set.
I am in no way saying that my front lawn is weedless, lol, but there is less.

Gearing up to hear about this weekends casting calls. Only three more weekends till mine...

Day of Emotional Expression

That's what it was for me today.
Ended the night with crying to my mom expressing why I want to be on the show, and why I am mostly focusing on the positive outcome of the casting calls/video.
But the discussion also made us (us being my mom and I) look at the negative outcome. Though I wish I could stay on cloud nine and not have to look at the negative outcome, it is there and I do need to realize it. And I do. Though it hasnt happened yet, it still helps bring me back to reality.
I said a statment that I'd like to put here. I think it is a good representation of my mindset no matter the outcome:
"I could always try out next season. And I will if I am still at this weight or in the weight range they are looking for. But that's the point. I dont want to be at that anymore when they cast again."
The statement goes on a bit more, but the most important part is the last sentence. "I dont want to be at this weight anymore when they cast for season 14." Now mind you, if they are casting for 14 in September I'll be there lol.. but I highly doubt that will happen!!! Im thinking either December or March. Either one, I REALLY do not want to be at 255 or anywhere near that in those time frames.
So this discussion, though tearful, has brought me back down to reality and made it even more of a push to do this. I know I've said it in previous posts, but now it's sinking in more.
No matter the outcome of the casting call or video or interviews, I will do this. If I get picked to be on the show HALLELUJAH!!!! If I dont, then I will pick myself up (after a day or two or sulking,lol) and start this journey on my own. Actually, I wont be on my own. I have a set of new friends going through this process with me. I hope that we can support each other and do this journey together via the tweeter or fbook or whatever.

This is yet another bonus of this process. Another self realization. I struggle with motivation on my own and have even said that I cant (I know bob and jillian hate that word) do this on my own, that I need that extra boost. Well now I realize that I may need to depend on myself. I need to do this for myself first. I AM worth it. I CAN do it.

Congratz to a fellow Californian

So excited today to get news that one of the gals I met through the BLcasting facebook page got callback from her video!! That is AWESOME!
I must admit I feel like a proud parent. lol. The moment I saw her video, I KNEW they had to call her back! And if they didn't something was wrong with them, or they actually arent looking for what they are saying. But they did!!! I am SOOOOO incredibly happy for her!
I cant wait to meet her in person. She is such a great gal (what I have gotten from chats on fb and her video)... and I see her going far on the show! Oh I really do feel like a parent....lol..

So yeah, today was a good day with the BL peeps.

p.s. my video was delivered today... so prayers away and all that jazz. no holding of breath though, i do wanna live no matter the outcome....lol..

I am just so happy!